How to Handle Legal Issues Like a Man
Unfortunately many males in our society do not handle their problems like true men. I don’t mean bringing out the boxing gloves or having a duel. Handling legal issues like a man means being a gentleman. Here are some tips to being a gentleman if you’re ever dealing with legal issues.
Minimize expense - True men don’t try to run up their opponent’s lawyer’s expenses. That’s just being a jerk. Try to minimize the cost of attorney involvement, and everyone will be in much better spirits.
Keep your word - Honesty is an incredible virtue to master. The true gentleman always keeps his word, even with someone who might not do the same. Just because a business deal has gone South, it doesn’t mean you should renege on your end.
Be cooperative - Harassing your opponent is for the playground. The courtroom (or boardroom) is for resolving conflicts like gentlemen. Cooperating with your opponent will get much better results than being combative.
Defer to expertise - A true man knows when he’s out of his league. That’s why people hire lawyers. As the client, you get to direct the overall goals of your matter, but defer to your lawyer’s expertise on strategy.
Accept compromise - There’s nothing wrong with settlement. It’s definitely not the same as defeat. If you can settle a claim or controversy, it will save everyone many headaches and expenses.
Play nice - In the end, being a gentleman in this context really boils down to what you learned in the sandbox: play nice. If you wouldn’t want to be treated in a certain way, you shouldn’t do it to your adversary. It will just make the world a better place.
That wasn’t so hard, was it? You’ll be surprised what being a gentleman will do for your business.
Photo by Michael (mx5tx)
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17 Comments
JHS
Andrew:
Your article is full of nice concepts. It is unfortunate, however, that you wrapped them in antiquated, inappropriate sexual stereotypes in order to make your point.
As a seasoned litigator, I do not handle legal issues “like a man.” I handle them like the veteran professional that I am. I handle them like a gentlePERSON. Handling them like a gentlePERSON without resort to outdated and offensive notions about gender roles allows me to be — and be perceived as — the competent, confident, respected attorney that I am. I just happen to be a woman. That fact is, however, irrelevant.
In the sexual harassment prevention training course I offer, I use numerous examples to illustrate the various concepts presented. One of them is from the movie “North Country.” When Charlize Theron’s character complains to her immediate supervisor, portrayed by Xander Berkeley, about the workplace abuse to which she and her females coworkers are being subjected, his advice to her is to realize that the men in the workplace are not her friends and acknowledge that she is taking a job away from a man to which she is not entitled. But, he continues, if she insists upon continuing her employment, he suggests that she simply tolerate the abuse and “take it like a man.”
That movie was based upon the largest class action sexual harassment case in history. The events took place in the early 1980’s.
Sadly, that scene immediately came to mind when I read your article.
And now your article has given me yet another example to use in my class — to illustrate just how much work we still have to do in order to rid America of harmful stereotypical depictions of what it means to be male or female.
May 20th, 2008
pc
Bit over the top there, JHS
The article may be couched in the term ‘like a man’, but any reasonable person can tell he means ’sensibly’ And that does not mean men are sensible whilst women aren’t!
But if you’re a lawyer used to breaking up statements into excruciating minutiae, i suppose your post is just a considered response
May 20th, 2008
Andrew Flusche
@JHS
I worried that this article might step on some toes, but I decided to write it any way. I do apologize if you feel offended by anything I wrote here.
The fact of the matter is that many males do not understand what being a gentleman means. They think being male means being crass, treating women like objects, beating people up, and other negative things. I’m sorry if you are offended by me trying to encourage other males to be sensible and nice.
@PC
Thank you for seeing that I also meant this article to be broadly understood.
May 20th, 2008
Capt.Big
Andrew, As I read your article I commented to my 19 year old daughter that “I do all these things”. She said maybe I could re-title it for a women and send it to her mom. Mom is being particulary not nice after leaving us. Please do not apologize for commenting on being a proper gentleman, we all need reminders now and then, it does pay off, and yes you can be a professional and still be kind and considerate. Ask any Boy Scout who has learned to be: Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly, Courteous, Kind, Obedient, Cheerful, Thrifty, Brave, Clean and Reverent. The PERSONS that learn those principles, grow to not only “take it like a man’, but give like one as well.
May 20th, 2008
Hopeful Spirit
“The PERSONS that learn those principles, grow to not only “take it like a man’, but give like one as well.” The PERSONS who learn those principles grow to take and give as GENTLEPERSONS.
It is completely inappropriate, offensive and, frankly, sophomoric, to state such principles in gender-specific terms in 2008. And quite shocking that a barrister would do so and not understand how offensive that conduct is.
Of course, I fully appreciate that you live in an area of the country where such principles may still be finding understanding and acceptance.
If you wrote and published your headline in any newspaper in any large city on the west coast, you would quickly discover just how out of step and outdated your approach is.
May 21st, 2008
Jenny
Your article is very informative. I’ve given you a thumbs up for stumble!
May 21st, 2008
Mark
@JHS and anyone else sensitive to this gender stereotyping.
You’ll notice that if you exchange “man” with “woman” and “gentleman” with “lady”, you’ll get equally viable virtues of behavior. Ladies and Gentlemen behave in accordance with these same virtues. The only difference is, this is an article written in a form that any male member of humanity can identify with because it is written to and of men. Women write articles targeted at women often. Allow men to write articles targeted at men. Both tend to contain valuable lessons that are cross-gender compatible. It is up to you to extract those values that are relevant to you. In this case, I’d say a lot of value, if not all of it, is cross-compatible.
Note that we speak of deep virtues here. We don’t cover shallow things like “real women get their nails done once a week” or “real men will trim their hair once a week”… No, we speak of respect, honesty, integrity. These tend to be true for all humans. But it is easier for a boy to learn to be a man when he’s looking at other male figures living out these virtues and wishing to become a gentleman.
So, look on the bright side. We’re looking at the dirty stereotype that unfortunately too many men live up to (being vulgar and disrespectful individuals) we’re trying to clean it up, making no mistake that men should act like gentlemen. I am always pleased when I have evidence of a strong woman that shows that a lady is not supposed to be an unsuccessful pushover, but a capable individual. She characterized as a lady because of her gender and most importantly because she lives up to all the same virtues that define a gentleman.
Respect, honesty, humility… these are but a few virtues, but ones that everyone, male or female, lady or gentleman, should strive to abide by.
May 21st, 2008
My Goodness
The anger of some of you over gender-specific phrasing is dumbfounding.
One would think that in 2008, people would have the intellect to realize that defining a gentleman in one way does not make that exclusively a male characteristic. Saying that a gentleman is respectful and honest does not mean that a lady is not the same. Women were not defined in any way in this article, it spoke solely of what a man, a gentleman, would do. Take it for what it is.
It is frankly juvenile for someone to take such personal offense at something so minor. No hostility whatsoever was expressed towards women or ladies. No comparison or compromise of gender roles was involved. Do you think gender problems will be solved by superficially replacing gentleman with gentleperson? That is infantile logic, a display of severe naivete.
You must be so insecure that anything not explicitly stating female equality, or women being identical to men, threatens you. This is a personal problem of yours and if you want to contribute, I recommend you face it like a true woman. Then again, this isn’t about your gender. It’s your personality that makes you feel like fighting the world. If you were a man, you’d just be fighting something else with offense and tactless anger. You seem like an insecure, fearful, defensive PERSON.
May 21st, 2008
JHS
To “My Goodness:”
“One would think that in 2008, people would have the intellect to realize that defining a gentleman in one way does not make that exclusively a male characteristic.” One would think that in 2008, people would have the intellect to realize that talking about “gentlemen” and “ladies” is highly offensive, degrading to both genders, and a completely archaic way of looking at the world.
“Do you think gender problems will be solved by superficially replacing gentleman with gentleperson? That is infantile logic, a display of severe naivete.” I have been using the term “gentleperson” since 1980 and assure that I am far from “naive” about these issues. I am quite surprised by your tone, frankly, and am sorry that you cannot understand that language is a symptom of an underlying problematic attitude.
“You must be so insecure that anything not explicitly stating female equality, or women being identical to men, threatens you. This is a personal problem of yours and if you want to contribute, I recommend you face it like a true woman.” Your comments are laughable, ridiculous, and display exactly the kind of attitude I was talking about in my original comment, so thanks for illustrating the point so beautifully.
“Face it like a true woman?” Thank you for yet another example to use when I am teaching. I assure you that your comment will elicit a strong response from my audiences.
As for the rest of your comments . . . ad hominem attacks neither interest or hurt me. They speak volumes about you and say nothing whatsoever about me.
If you truly want to educate yourself, I have a lot of written materials that I will provide you free of charge. You will find them enlightening and become informed about the points I raised.
For your edification: I am proud to be a civil rights professional.
May 22nd, 2008
Andrew Flusche
I am at a loss for words during this comment war. I truly did not intend to offend anyone with anything I wrote.
To say that there is no difference between males and females is simply denying basic biological fact. But to say something sexist like “women belong in the kitchen” is offensive and wrong. There IS a happy medium here.
May 22nd, 2008
My Goodness
Does gender no longer exist then in 2008? I don’t see how recognizing gender differences through gender specific phrasing such as “Ladies and Gentlemen” is hurtful or an indication of underlying problems. Sure I believe language can indicate underlying problems, but you are assuming that maintaining distinction of the genders in language indicates animosity between the genders, whereas in fact it is just indicating a recognition of there being genders. Well, that depends on how they’re used, obviously
Ladies and gentlemen both behave like strong respectful noble individuals that uphold crucial virtues that make life better for the whole human race. As you are a female, I say act like a woman, because you would realize that words such as “gentleman” and “lady” do not in any way threaten you in your life. I’m merely asking you to consider where you are coming from and be honest with yourself. You’ve chosen your profession because you have a deep sense of necessity to address these issues, clearly. Have you ever considered that perhaps certain personal factors of yours make you more sensitive to these matters and take them to a certain extreme of insult where in fact there was none?
As Andrew just said, there is still biological difference between the genders, and this is all I allude to. I could have said “face it like a strong person”. But a female that is a strong person earns the title of woman and lady to me. Exactly like a male that is a strong person earns the title of man and gentleman to me. No double standard. Just respectful recognition of biological differences. If you feel that me asking you to be a woman is insulting to you, I see that as your problem taking “woman” to be somehow degrading. You seem like a very valuable individual and I respect you as a person, and when I ask you to be a woman, I truly envision a female acting in greatness. If you believe that gender association somehow taints one’s qualities, well, not everyone feels that way, that’s for sure.
And for what it’s worth, I am truly happy to retain a sense of gentleman vs lady in this world. Both display a certain level of honor. I do not see how it is degrading to both genders. It is degrading to you only if you let it bother you so much. You know that being a lady of the courts, a very professional one as you’ve shown yourself to be, is an honorable title. I don’t see why masking your gender by calling you a gentleperson of the courts is somehow superior. It’s a glorious feature of humans, and nature in general, to have the two genders. I am not ashamed to be my gender. Are you?
Lastly, I am sorry, I was harsh in my first post there. I’ll try to maintain more tact next time. I hope we can continue a productive discussion of various view points that can help us come to understanding of each other, rather than try to directly convince one another of being neanderthals.
May 23rd, 2008
Michael Garofalo
Yes, I’m using my real name. A return of civility to the world of instant-submission flame wars is psychologically aided by the use of a full, real name. The idea that a person reading one’s comments can attach one’s full name to them strikes a certain amount of reputation-based fear into one, causing one to be a bit more careful in one’s tone.
That sounded awkward, using all of those gender non-specific “one”s up there…
Before the main part of my post (if you don’t care about the gender-specific thing, just scroll down and read the last four paragraphs of my comment), I have to respond to JHS.
“One would think that in 2008, people would have the intellect to realize that talking about “gentlemen” and “ladies” is highly offensive, degrading to both genders, and a completely archaic way of looking at the world.” There’s nothing to say to this kind of elitist view but, “says who?” You assert that “gentlemen” and “ladies” are an archaic way of looking at the world, but there is no proof of this. They are still widely used terms, and the ideas for which they stand (honesty, valor, intelligence, and respect, as a few examples) are, and rightly so, sought after. Only in the realm of civil rights litigation and modernity-craving intelligentsia are they seen as “archaic.” I’m hardly offended by the application to me of the term “gentleman.” Matter of fact, I’d be flattered.
“I am quite surprised by your tone, frankly, and am sorry that you cannot understand that language is a symptom of an underlying problematic attitude.” You failed to address the poster’s point, and you cannot deny simple logic. You attempt to prove the antecedent by affirming the consequent. If sexist language on the part of men is just a symptom of, we’ll say, disrespectful attitudes toward women, then changing the language is just a metaphorical band-aid. If you want to induce real change, you need to go after the attitude itself instead of attempting to mask it with neutral language. All masking does is to prepare people for dealing with the attitude in therapy once it has metastasized.
And to Andrew, here’s the happy medium as far as I’m concerned: men and women, created equal in God’s eyes, have different roles to play in society. Both are necessary to everyone’s survival, and neither should be belittled at the hands of anyone. It’s up to each individual to decide where he or she belongs. Many women desire motherhood. Many men desire the ability to provide for their families. This is the historical norm. Some people love to be in the kitchen - I’m a man and I’m one of them. Some love the corporate environment. Gender shouldn’t be a mark of division and discrimination, but of differentiation. In understanding, accepting, and working in and with the distinctions between the genders, we can be incredibly productive. In attempting to silence one gender, both suffer. This goes for men silencing women (historical) and women silencing men (recent).
On to my real point:
Since finding the Art of Manliness a few months ago, and the many links therein, and most recently (leading to this article and comment war) the Manival hosted by artofmanliness.com, I’ve changed in many ways. From a college student fairly obsessed with literature, comics, and old movies (I was essentially a hermit), I’ve come out of my shell and begun dating, exercising, and becoming the quintessence of the man I’d hoped I would one day be.
This article struck a chord with me, probably because of a story I read when I was a kid. My parents, for my eleventh or twelfth birthday, gave me a couple of books (one called Tiger and Tom, which I’d highly recommend to any boy around that age - yes, JHS, I believe that little boys and little girls can have reading materials that teach them different, exclusive things).
Anyway, one of them had a story about a boy who made a deal with a school bully about something. This deal was a kind of bet, one that the protagonist never should have made (and, of course, he knew that at the time and painfully knew it later on). The punishment, if he failed to do what he agreed to do, was to be hit with a baseball bat or something (it was pretty violent, written in the late 19th century, I believe). He was, unbeknownst to him, set up to fail. When he failed and asked his father for help, his father told him to go to the bully, appeal for mercy, but take the beating if the bully would not listen. “Your word,” said the boy’s father, “is worth more than your comfort.”
Thanks for the post, Andrew. I’m bookmarking your site, so you may see me back here in the comments of a future post.
May 26th, 2008
Andrew Flusche
@Michael - Thanks for your comment. I look forward to your future participation around here.
May 26th, 2008
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